Adventures in Post-Divorce Dating
While writing an article for eHarmony Parenting, I started to research dating for divorced parents. But while several studies have been done on remarriage, step-parenting and the general effects of divorce on family, very few exist for dating while divorced. There was a popular study pushed to great media fanfare on the horrible legacy of divorce (for a wonderful commentary on how flawed research and the media produce somewhat dangerous results, click here) but only recently have researchers looked into post-divorce dating.
When do adults typically get “back out there”?
Anderson and colleagues (2004) sampled participants who had filed for divorce less than sixty days and one year from the interview. They found that one year after the divorce had been filed, 34% of their sample had reported being in a serious relationship (compared to 21% for those less than sixty days post-filing). By one year post-filing, participants reported dating on average two new partners, with the majority of the relationships being casual in nature
When do kids typically know?
By one year post-filing, over two-thirds of the children experienced their custodial parent’s transition into dating, and over half were aware what their parent’s relationship had become serious. Over half had witnessed a partner sleepover when the relationship was serious. This number drops dramatically when the relationship was casual. If some of you just shrieked at the idea of letting your young child(ren) see physical intimacy with a new partner- one major caveat to this study is that the age of the child was not stated (or potentially accounted for) in the results. It’s possible these percentages could change again depending on children’s age.
Dr. Constance Ahrons, author of The Good Divorce and We’re Still Family and professor emeritus at University Southern California, recently completed a 20 year longitudinal study on children of divorce. Ahrons found that the children she studied worried about how their parent’s dating process was going to affect them. Children between the ages 5 and 10 were more possessive of their mother than older children. Older children might be resentful or confused about their mother’s sexual practices. Children may have more trouble adjusting to their fathers’ dating relationships than their mother’s. This may be because of the diverted attention in the wake of limited time together due to custody issues. Another possibility is the potential for the new relationship to be the cause of the parent’s divorce. However, older children who experienced their parent’s troubled marriage were more receptive to their parents’ new relationships. Ahrons found that all children still struggle with issues of stepparent authority, stating that it might be best for a new parent figure to serve as a friend rather than a source of regulation.
Introducing your kids to the new dating partner? Tread carefully.
Leah Klungness, co-author of The Complete Single Mother, states that post-divorce dating can be stressful for children. Don’t assume that kids will understand the need for a “crazy phase” of dating. They are dealing with their own issues of loss, betrayel, adjustment, trust- just to name a few. A selfish phase may seem perfectly justified to a parent, but not to the child. Another one: introducing children to the first new partner early, and letting them immediately bond. Parents need to make sure before things get tricky that children understand their continued importance to them, the freedom for the child(ren) to continue a close loving relationship with the ex-spouse (despite any personal misgivings) and the possibility of new people in the parent’s life. Klungness recommends that any new relationship should be exclusive for several months (that is, a serious relationship and not a casual affair) before they are introduced to the children.
Anderson’s research also supports this idea: a gradual approach allows children time to adjust to their parents’ dating (and the new dating partner) at a pace that allows for successful parenting. If the decision has been made to bring the new partner into the child’s life, make sure that they meet on neutral territory (i.e., not home) in a casual setting. Introduce the new partner as a “new friend” and not the new “love of my life.” Remember that meeting a new partner will bring up many emotions for children. Sticking to neutral turf helps the parent provide the necessary structure children may need while being introduced to new partners. Parents should be sensitive to their children’s feelings but not turn to a permissive parenting style because they feel guilty or embarrassed. Balancing the emotions of your children with the excitement of a new, positive, relationship will help smooth the transition into single-parent dating.
More Online Resources
- eHarmony Parenting, a destination to help parents thrive on their journey as a family, contains articles, interviews, and other helpful advice on a range of categories including dating and divorce
- A great article from the Boston Globe with a list of guidelines surrounding dating after divorce
- Tips, Resources, and Warning Signs for Divorced Parents: The American Association of Marriage and Family Therapists (AAMFT) presents a great article on divorce and your children
- A Family Education article featuring individuals experiences with post-divorce dating and their children
- A great review of dating, remarriage and children based Constance Ahron’s longitudinal study from MissouriFamilies.org
Research
- Anderson, E, et al (2004). Ready to take a chance again: Transitions into dating among divorced parents. Journal of Divorce and Remarriage
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August 30th, 2007 at 5:45 pm
Great article!