Identifying Your Personal Parenting Traits

By Drs. Les and Leslie Parrott

What we are teaches the child far more than what we say,
so we must be what we want our children to become.
- Joseph Chilton Pearce

Salish Lodge is a romantic mountain retreat just thirty miles from our home in Seattle. Overlooking the breathtaking Snoqualmie Falls, you can hear the roar of white water tumbling over granite cliffs nearly three hundred feet into the emerald river canyon below. Rain or shine, you can venture down the pine tree–lined trail by day and let the crackling of your own wood-burning fireplace soothe you to sleep by night.

Ranked as one of the finest lodging, dining, and spa facilities in the world, the lodge has provided the backdrop for some very special moments in our lives. But one of our most meaningful Salish Lodge getaways came five years ago when we hired a babysitter to watch our three-year-old while we dedicated twenty-four hours of uninterrupted time to thinking about parenting. More specifically, we were thinking about the two of us as parents.

It started with a leisurely lunch the first day and ended with a laid-back brunch on the second. In between we enjoyed a scrumptious five-course dinner. At each of those meals, the topic of conversation was the same: What kind of parents do we want to be—and what kinds of kids do we want to raise?

We weren’t talking about parenting techniques, philosophies, or strategies. We weren’t discussing a parenting book or a class we had taken. We were exploring what we have come to call our “personal parenting traits.” In other words, we were taking a hard look at our unique personalities and even the personalities of our own parents who raised us. Why? Because a wise mentor in our graduate school days, as we were training to be psychologists, said something that stuck. “More important than what you do as a parent,” he said, “is who you are as a parent.” He went on to explain that you can buy into any number of parenting strategies, but each and every one of them will be overshadowed by the personal qualities you bring to parenting.

Getting Real about Who We Are as Parents

We learned a lot about each other over our leisurely meals at Salish Lodge, especially about each other’s childhoods. We talked about what we admired and appreciated in our own parents. Les, for example, told me that some of the best things his parents ever did for him involved celebrating his successes and helping him dream about his future and plan for a meaningful life. And I shared with Les that I deeply appreciated how prayerful my parents were and how safe they made me feel through their dedication to me.

We also talked about what we wished our parents had done for us that they hadn’t. After all, while both of us were blessed to be raised in loving homes, we are well aware that no parents are perfect. I talked to Les about the fact that my family rarely cared about external accomplishments. My mom and dad barely reviewed my report card. I can’t remember a time they acknowledged a good grade or worried about a poor one. And Les confessed that his parents were often unpredictable, changing or canceling events he’d looked forward to.

During one conversation, we talked about what we saw in each other that would make each of us a good parent. For example, knowing Les’s sense of humor, I said he would be a fun parent who would fill our children’s lives with lots of laughter. And he pointed out that I would find numerous occasions, not just birthdays, to celebrate our children’s milestones to make them feel special.

But then came the tough part. Over brunch we dedicated our conversation to discovering what each of us would need to be better at if we were going to be the best parents we could be. You got it—we lowered our defenses, straightened our backs, and got real about our unique personalities and how they could potentially diminish our effectiveness as parents.

Les was the first to open up. “I think my number one hurdle on the road to being the parent I want to be is going to be my hard-driving work style.” I couldn’t have said it better myself, but I didn’t even nod. I just listened. “I don’t want to be a father who is preoccupied and distracted. I want to be connected and attentive—really tuned in to my child’s life.” When Les finished, he genuinely invited my feedback. We talked for a good half hour about how his hardwired drive to produce and accomplish could interfere with his parenting—and how it could be rechanneled as an attribute that would help him be the kind of father he wanted to be.

When my turn came to share, I knew what had to be said. “I am such a pleaser, I know I’m going to have to work extra hard to be authentic as a parent.” Les returned the favor of just listening as I talked. “I know my personality will drive me to do things for my children I shouldn’t do. I know it will crush me to see them suffer and I’ll want to intervene when I shouldn’t.” I went on to talk about the precautions I’d have to take to avoid being a pushover parent.

Drs. Les and Leslie Parrott are the founders of RealRelationships.com and the authors of several best-selling books, including Your Time-Starved Marriage, Love Talk, and the award-winning Saving Your Marriage Before It Starts. This article is an excerpt from their new book, The Parent You Want to Be. Click here to order a copy…Getting Real about the Kind of Kids You Want to Raise

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