Steps to Handling Your Anger
Family life is complicated and unpredictable. Expectations, frustrations and responsibilities can create angry emotions in both parents and children. Even if you are skilled at parenting, and even if you are committed to your family, you cannot eliminate the unpleasant situations and intense emotions that occur in all families. However, once you understand where the anger comes from, and once you adjust your responses, and learn ways to control your reactions with an anger-management plan, those unpleasant emotions can be reined in before they explode in hurtful, harmful angry reactions.
What sets you off?
Most parents get angry over issues that are insignificant in the grand scheme of life, yet happen on such a regular basis that they become blown out of proportion. Some of the most common parenting issues that trigger anger are whining, temper tantrums, sibling bickering, mood inconsistencies, and non-cooperation. Determine which behaviors most bother you and set about making a plan to correct each problem that sets off your anger.
Notice your hot spots
In addition to triggers, there are “hot spots” in the day when anger more easily rises to the surface. These are typically times when family members are tired, hungry or stressed. These emotions leave us more vulnerable to anger. This can happen in the early morning, before naptime, before meals, or at bedtime. You may also encounter situations when misbehavior increases, and so does your anger: grocery shopping, playdates, or family visits, for example.
Set a plan
Doing things the way you’ve always done them and expecting different results only leaves you frustrated and angry. Instead, identify your anger triggers and hot spots and take action to change things for the better. Determine if there are things you can do differently to ward off some of the issues that spark your anger. For example, if the morning rush brings stress, you can prepare things the night before: set out clothing, pack lunches, collect shoes. Then create a “morning poster” that outlines the daily routine step-by-step. If you find that tempers are shorter in the hour before dinner, set out healthy appetizers, enlist the kids’ help in preparing dinner, get the kids involved in a craft activity, or plan an earlier meal time. If differing expectations in two households create stress and tension then make a “house rules” poster and hang it in a visible location.
Adopt a six-step anger management plan
Step 1 – Stop.
No matter the problem, the results will be better if you calm yourself down first. Tune into your body – when you feel your tension rising (jaw clenching, muscles tightening) and your control begins to slip, put out your hands and say, “STOP.” Then stop talking and stop moving.
Step 2 – Space.
When you are angry, the last thing you need is to stay face-to-face with the child who is upsetting you. So create some breathing space. Put the baby in the crib, your toddler in the playroom, or walk away from a yelling child. Or put yourself in the bathroom for a grown-up time out.
Step 3 – Soothe.
Once you stop flow of anger, and have moved away from your child, take time to calm yourself down. Breathe deeply, close your eyes, and stretch out your tight muscles. And go ahead – count to ten…or even one hundred.
Step 4 – Specify.
Now it’s time to discover the real issue that sparked your anger and define the exact problem. It might be: “He ignores me when I tell him to do something.” Or “She’s cranky but won’t go to bed.” Or “I’m trying my best and he continues to test me.”
Step 5 – Solve.
Now… it’s time to make a plan to solve the problem. By this point your anger will be tapering off, and you will have clearly identified what went wrong. It is time to decide how best to solve the dilemma. Consider your options, look up the topic in a book, or talk it over with another adult. You might even jot down possible solutions. It’s best to have two or three ideas, since solutions are rarely simple or quick.
Step 6 – Follow through.
Once you’ve taken these steps you will be ready to return to your child to address the situation. You’ll be calm, in control, and you’ll have a plan. Now all that’s left is to follow through. Be patient with yourself. It takes time to master these steps, but once you do, you will have a blueprint for maintaining a better relationship with your child and a calmer, happier family.
Parts of this article are excerpted with permission by McGraw-Hill Publishing from The No-Cry Discipline Solution (McGraw-Hill 2007) by Elizabeth Pantley http://www.pantley.com/elizabeth
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November 28th, 2007 at 11:40 pm
My partner and I have a five year old daughter, and our guilt is running wild inside each of us. We both have bad tempers that are set off easily, and our daughter is the one that actually calms us down. She does not like it when we yell at her, we do not blame her one bit ! I have controlled my reaction time better where I think happy thoughts of her when she is doing the five year old things that get on my nerves…how can a child get on my nerves? she is an angel in my eyes, but some times I just blow at her with a tone of voice that would actually scar anyone. My partner is the same way, we ar both working very hard at controlling this, and eventhough, we blow from time to time and the guilt just eats us alive. We used to become angry with each other, but now we talk about what we can do to make her feel better instead of worse. she truly has no idea that some things she does, to a point, put us both over the edge. I am at my wits end with how to not ever yell at her, and i am beginning to feel real horrible as a mother. I have read the anger issues and we do do those things that are listed, on a daily basis, but the other night she would not sleep, it was late and i was so tired, instead i threatened to call her dad and that just upset her more, than i tried to talk with her about the importance of little people needing their sleep, non of that she understood. After, i just sat in her little chair and told her that i would stay for awhile, I do not want her to get into any habbits of sleeping with us or us sleeping with her so this was really difficult for me to do. I lied there for about 20 minites until she fell asleep and did let her know prior that this would not happen every nite. She finally fell asleep, but now i am left with the guilt of getting angry with her. I called my partner after all of this, and he just said for me to sit with her in the morning and let her know that i felt silly for getting so angry, and then just let her talk. This all is good for me and my daughter, the only thing is the damage that must be done to her and many other children that have parents who yell instead of talk…it is such a instant reaction that is very hard to break and i need to know how right now before she gets older, plus I do not want to hurt her little feelings anylonger just because i cannot hold it in. Are there other parents like this who have overcome the yelling thing, sometimes it seems to be the only way she listens. Please help us both, so we can have a happy, healthy home for all of us.
January 18th, 2008 at 5:00 pm
What a wonderful article.
Elizabeth Pantley is 100% right on the money with her words.
I use to feel guilty about getting upset at the kids.. Now, I work out the problems, and I am not getting upset along with the kids are not getting upset.
Elizabeth Pantley is a wonderful Parenting Author!!!!