How to Become the Parent You Want to Be: An Exercise
Parenting will eventually produce bizarre behavior,
and I’m not talking about the kids.
Their behavior is always normal.
-Bill Cosby
A young father in a supermarket was pushing a shopping cart with his young son, who was strapped in the front. The little boy was irritable, fussing and crying. The other shoppers gave the pair a wide berth because the child would pull products off shelves and throw them on the floor. The father seemed to be very calm; as he continued down each aisle, he murmured gently, “Easy now, Donald. Keep calm, Donald. Steady, boy. It’s all right, Donald.”
A mother who was passing by was greatly impressed by this young father’s solicitous attitude. She said, “You certainly know how to talk to an upset child—quietly and gently.”
And then bending down to the little boy, she asked, “What seems to be the trouble, Donald?”
“Oh no,” said the father. “He’s Henry. I’m Donald.”
Though we don’t recommend ignoring a child’s wrong behavior, Donald knows the struggle of trying to be the parent he wants to be. And like most other parents on the planet, he is working hard to do just that. The intent of this book is to make this work a whole lot easier.
After surveying hundreds of parents about the personal parenting traits they desire to exemplify, we have identified ten traits that seem to matter most. In other words, we’ve identified the ten traits that received the most votes. When presented with a list of more than twenty parental traits, the following traits ranked the highest:
* Affirming
* Patient
* Attentive
* Visionary
* Connecting
* Celebratory
* Authentic
* Comforting
* Insightful
* Prayerful
Because the degree of difference between the ranks of these traits was so minimal in our survey, we have not listed them in any particular order. We’ve simply plucked out the top ten as a place to help parents like you begin thinking about your own parenting traits.
We want to give you an opportunity to make this list of traits more personal. That’s why we’ve provided a free downloadable exercise for this very purpose at wwwRealRelationships.com. This will help you identify your “personal parenting profile.” It’s easy and fun. And it’s sure to generate a positive discussion for both of you.
Before You Move On
In a famous sociological case study looking at changes in the small Midwest city of Muncie, Indiana, in 1924, mothers were asked to rank the qualities they most desired in their children. At the top of the list were conformity and strict obedience. More than fifty years later, when the Middletown survey was replicated, mothers placed autonomy and independence first.
Times change, and so does parenting. In fact, it changes from parent to parent. That’s why we don’t want you to think of the ten traits in this book as exhaustive. When you completed the exercise at www.RealRelationships.com, you may have identified a very important trait that is missing from the list or perhaps subsumed in another. It may have been a trait your own parents displayed. That’s okay. The intent of this list is simply to get you thinking and talking about the traits that many parents view as important—and ultimately to help you become the parent you want to be.
As you move into the next section of this book, feel free to read the coming chapters in any order you like. Each is devoted to one of the ten traits and is freestanding, that is, not predicated on any of the others, so if you want to skip ahead to the two chapters that interest you most, feel free.
As you read through the coming chapters, by the way, you may want to come back to section 4 of the exercise and revise your answers. Even as we wrote this book, we found ourselves shifting our allegiances to traits that we didn’t find very important to us personally until we researched them.
Finally, remember that none of us is a perfect parent. And even being a good parent doesn’t guarantee your child will turn out exactly as you wish. You can count on some rocky roads with every child.
So let’s make something clear right now: This book doesn’t promise to make you a perfect ten in each of the ten traits we’re about to explore. If that was our goal, we’d title this book The Parent We Want You to Be. Ridiculous! Children are too complex, as are parents, to prescribe one profile to fit everyone. So rest easy. We’re not pushing each of these traits on you. We’re simply saying that each of them is worthy of your consideration. And some of them—at least the two you selected in the exercise—will help you become the parent you want to be.
Drs. Les and Leslie Parrott are the founders of RealRelationships.com and the authors of several best-selling books, including Your Time-Starved Marriage, Love Talk, and the award-winning Saving Your Marriage Before It Starts. This article is an excerpt from their new book, The Parent You Want to Be. Click here to order a copy…
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