Common Discipline Mistakes Even the Best Parents Make: Part 1

By Tina Payne Bryson, Ph.D.

Because we’re always parenting our children, it takes real effort to look at our discipline strategies objectively. Good intentions can become less-than-effective habits quickly, and that can leave us operating blindly, disciplining in ways we might not if we thought much about it. Here are some parenting mistakes made by even the best-intentioned, most well-informed parents, along with practical suggestions that might come in handy the next time you find yourself in one of these situations.

Common Discipline Mistake #1: We lay down the law in an emotional moment, then realize we’ve overreacted.

Have you offered consequences that were a bit “supersized” for the behavior you were trying to address? Maybe your child’s actions didn’t warrant such big consequences: “You can’t go swimming for the rest of the summer!” Or maybe the consequences even had to do with something you were counting on: “Stop calling your brother names or you can’t go to Grandma’s house today.” Of course, she again calls him “stinky-head” and calls your bluff. Your options at this point are to either miss your lunch with your friends or show your child that you don’t mean what you say.

In these moments, give yourself permission to rectify the situation. Obviously, follow-through is important once you’ve set down consequences; otherwise, you’ll lose credibility in your child’s eyes. But there are ways to be consistent and still get out of the bind you’re in. For example, give your child one more chance to meet your expectations. The “one more chance” card can’t be played too often or your child will start to count on it; but if you maintain clear authority in the situation, there’s nothing wrong with saying, “I didn’t like what you did, but I’m going to give you another try at handling things the right way.”

Or, give your child a chance to earn back whatever you’ve taken away. You can say something like, “I’m sorry, but these are the consequences. However, if you’d like a chance to earn back that privilege, then I need to see you acting in a way that shows me you deserve it.” (In this case, that means apologizing to “stinky-head” and saying only nice things until it’s time to leave.)

With an older child, it’s even OK—and sometimes healthy and actually important—to admit that you overreacted and apologize. Then you can go back and still address her behavior, and you can offer new and more appropriate consequences.

The point is that once you realize that you’ve made a mistake, there’s nothing wrong with going back and trying to make things right.

Common Discipline Mistake #2: Our discipline becomes consequence-based instead of teaching-based.

The goal of discipline is not to make sure that each infraction is immediately met with a consequence. The real goal is to teach our children how to live well in the world. But many times we discipline on auto-pilot, and we focus so much on the consequences that they become the end goal, instead of the means to help us reach that goal.

So when you discipline, ask yourself what your real objective is. Yes, you want to be consistent. But don’t confuse consistency with rigidity. There may be times you decide to offer your child a “do-over” because having them respond in an appropriate manner will teach them more than punishing them for their inappropriate actions. Likewise, the exact opposite may be true. You may need to refuse any kind of second chance, simply because you want the lesson to be that sometimes there are consequences even when we apologize. (“Sorry” doesn’t fix the broken Buzz Lightyear nightlight that was thrown in anger. An apology and buying a new nightlight with his own money might teach more.)

So the next time you have to respond to a misbehavior, don’t discipline just to discipline. Do it to teach, and to help your kid move more towards being the best person they can be.

Common Discipline Mistake #3: We think that if we’re disciplining, we can’t be warm and nurturing.

It really is possible to be calm and loving and nurturing while disciplining your child. In fact, it’s very healthy, and even important, to combine clear and consistent consequences with loving empathy.

Think of it as a two-step process. First, you provide boundaries in a matter-of-fact tone: “You know the rule about wearing your helmet, and I’m sorry, but you broke that rule, so now the bike can’t be ridden tomorrow.” Then second, you offer empathy regarding the emotional effect of the consequences: “I know that my taking your bike away makes you really sad.” You can even combine the two steps with a statement like, “I’m letting you face your consequence because I love you and it’s my job to teach you about being safe and how to be a responsible person.”

Ultimately, you’re trying to remain firm and consistent in your discipline, while still interacting with your child in a way that communicates warmth, love, and compassion. These two aspects of parenting can and should coexist.

Common Discipline Mistake #4: We forget that our children may sometimes need our help making good choices or calming themselves down.

The temptation, when our kids begin to get out of control, is to demand that they “stop that right now.” But sometimes, especially in the case of small children, they actually may not even be capable of immediately calming themselves down. That means that you need to step in and help them make good choices regarding their behavior.

For example, when your three-year-old is throwing a tantrum and ripping books off the shelf, that may not be the best time to raise your voice and insist that he settle down. Again, your goal with your discipline is to teach him, so do your best to recognize—and I know it’s hard to do in a high-emotion situation—that your little “angel” is nowhere near an emotional state of being receptive to learning.

So instead, help him calm down; it doesn’t feel good to your child to be out of control. You can scoop him up and hold him close, saying, “I know you’re really mad right now. I will help you stop if you can’t stop yourself. Let’s go see what’s over here!” Use redirection and your right-brain faculties like bodily touch, voice inflection, and nonverbal cues and facial expressions, to help him understand that you’re aware of his frustration, to help calm him down, while stopping him from his tornado-style destruction. This will help diffuse the meltdown, so that you can then begin to discipline once he’s receptive to learning.

Again, this is not about forgoing discipline or boundary-setting; it’s about being smarter about the way we go about it.
[This is the first in a two-part series. I’ll discuss four more pitfalls in a future article, so be sure to check back.]

2 Responses to “Common Discipline Mistakes Even the Best Parents Make: Part 1”

1. kat Says:
   August 23rd, 2007 at 1:44 pm

   Once again you have shared invaluable information. Thank you Dr. Bryson and eHarmony.

2. Will Says:
   September 28th, 2007 at 4:51 am

   Another common discipline mistake is saying your sorry for disciplining the child!

   Most of the examples above include the parents saying something like, “I’m sorry, but I have to …” If we want our children to take responsibility for whatever mistake they have made, we need to set the example by taking responsibility for disciplining them. Depending on their age, you don’t need to explain that it is your job as their parent to do this either. That’s a given. But, by saying, “I’m sorry I have to do this” you’re giving the impression that you don’t agree with it and that you’re only doing it because someone else decided it was the right thing to do.

   I’m sorry that I don’t agree with the author on this….wait, no I’m not. I simply don’t agree.

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