Ask Hal – How Can I Talk to My Children?
Hello Hal,
This is Linda. I am a single mother of 5 young children. (4 boys/1 girl) I really need to know how to talk to my children. The kids’ dad doesn’t have much to do with them, and that makes it real hard on my boys. I heard you on the FISH one day. I have been looking for the book. I decided to search the web, so this is how I got this far. I will get this book when I can. Thanks for your time and I’ll check the download out.
Thanks for the interest, Linda. Single-parents are some of my heroes, because this parenting thing is hard enough for my wife and me together. Even during the short times I’m doing it on my own (say, when my wife goes out of town for the weekend), I feel challenged to grow in new ways.
But as you’ve expressed here, it’s not just doing it on your own most of the time, it’s also having to deal with the absent parent still being a relevant factor in your children’s lives, sometimes exactly because they’re absent! So that leaves you dealing with your kids’ hurt feelings and disappointed expectations, as well as leaving you as an easy target because you’re the parent who’s actually around. It’s easy for them to take out their incredible emotions on you.
And it’s easy for you to take yours out on them. I know it sounds impossible, but the best thing single parents can do is make it clear to themselves and their children that they do not exclusively belong to one another. Your kids do not exclusively belong to you, and you do not belong exclusively to them. That means creating space for everyone to own their own lives. That means listening to your kids’ pain about their father without trying to defend, accuse, or make up for him. That also means listening to their anger towards you realizing that some of it is directed at you, and some is really aimed at their father.
Above all, it means focusing on yourself and your own emotional processes so that you don’t add your mess to the one already there. And this means learning to care for yourself without needing your kids’ or your husband’s cooperation. You are the only one that depends completely on you.
(3 votes, average: 5 out of 5)
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August 14th, 2007 at 11:46 am
I watched your seminar clip and sat back after wards to process what I just heard. You are right, we are in control and by acting out to our kids actions we allow them to be come in control of situations. I am a single mother of four, 2 boys 12 and 10, and 2 girls 8 and 7. My biggest problem is the fighting that goes on with them, in the past it has gotten phsyical. I have sat and talked with them one on one and as a group, its gotten better, what else can I do to better the situation?
September 8th, 2007 at 1:31 am
I have a beatiful 2 (3 next month) year old boy. His father has been out of our life since he was 10 months old (bad situation). In his daycare, he of course sees other dads and has now started asking questions. I’m not ready! I did not expect questions (where’s my dad? why is he not here?) until he was older. I had to move across the country to feel comfortable with the situation, I never say anything to my son about his father (negative or otherwise) How do I tell a two year can’t see/talk to his dad (but why?)
Also, he met a friend of my mothers (a man) only twice, like two months ago, and he still talks about him and says he is “family”. What can I do to combat this kind of overattatchment?
He is a very smart and sweet boy, and is generally very well adjusted, I just don’t want this to cause problems and mess him up later in life.
Any advice would be welcome. Thank you.
January 28th, 2008 at 10:16 pm
I have three beautiful daughters whom I raised alone. (by alone I mean without their father ). the journey was impossible to predict when my girls were toddlers. I had no map, no written directions for what seemed absolute out of necessity single parenting.
The only prediction I had was that my children would end up neurotic. (Because single parenting in and of itself will cause neurosis).
I often felt like my kids were “doing things to me” because of the very unfair disadvantage of being outnumbered. It was very hard at times not to cuss and show large amounts of anger because I felt like my head might explode if not given some luxury such as cussing like a sailor.
The one message I felt it was imperative to instill in my girls was the message that it was not their fault their dad made the choice to stay away. That was my prayer and the strategy I worked towards when raising them. And he did not participate until he was on his deathbed.
Sad to report that their father passed away three years ago, and on his death bed I told him they NEEDED to know that they were not the reason HE chose to stay away all those years. They need to know that he did love them.
Children are amazing in their ever forgiving natures even with someone who basically abandoned them. They were able to achieve forgiveness because (I guess) they were not taught to hate him all their lives.
My girls are in college and highschool now, and I think I can safely say, they are at peace with the life they were given. They are grateful for the small amount of time they had to know their father.