Your article was right on. I found myself smiling at almost every one of your ‘revelations’ and it feels wonderful to have someone acknowledge not only the challenges but the strengths that many single parents and their children possess.
It took some time for me to realize that I didn’t have to be all things to all people (including my children) and that it was as important for me to take time for myself as it was for me to raise my children. In fact, it was probably more important. In the beginning, I started seeing a counsellor so that I had someone to talk to and when she asked me why I felt I had to be there for my children every minute of every day, my response surprised me. My answer was that I felt I needed to be there all the time because their father wasn’t (he left the country less than a year after we separated). It’s so important to take care of yourself so that you are better able to take care of your children. My children are my priority, but not to the detriment of myself because I don’t believe you can give anyone (including your children) anything you don’t already have yourself.
I have also realized that children are very capable of helping out and that it actually makes them stronger and more responsible people to have chores to do and it’s important for them to learn that in a family, everyone helps out. At 10 and 12, my children were making their own lunches for school and had responsibilities at home. I’ve noticed, now that my children are teenagers, that they tend to be far more responsible than most children their age. I was so worried about what kind of people they were going to grow up to be but they seem to be more well-rounded than many of their friends; they’ve been through some tough times and learned how to survive. We are a very strong family unit.
I find it frustrating that there is sometimes a stereotype that single parents can’t do the job as well as dual parents. I find I spend more quality time with my kids than the average busy household around us. I make a point of not enrolling them in a ton of activities so that none of us is overwhelmed. I make a point of making sure we sit down to dinner together almost every night. I make a point of spending one-on-one time with them even to the extent of taking them out of school – one at a time – for one day near the end of the school year and spending the whole day doing whatever they’d like to do.
As single parents, I find we’re much stronger and much more determined. It is definitely hard sometimes and can be incredibly overwhelming but what a tremendous achievement it is to be able to raise healthy, happy kids on your own.
Hal, all the very best of wishes to you and your wife and your family. I know that with your positive attitude everything will truly be okay.
K.