What I’m Learning From Single Parents
I cannot really imagine being a single parent. Yes, I’ve counseled with hundreds of them, spoken to hundreds more. And yes, I’ve experienced countless moments of “doing it on my own” with my two kids when my wife was out, or out of town. And yes, unfortunately, I was raised by two single parents after my parents divorced when I was eleven.
But even with those experiences, I do not really know what it’s like to be a single parent. I am nowhere near being able to accurately empathize with those moms and dads struggling to do it on their own night after night. Whether by death or divorce, or whether you’re the custodial or visitational parent, being a single parent carries with it a unique experiential perspective that cannot be fully understood unless you are one.
But rather than extend those of you single parents a little sympathy, I would rather thank you for what I’m learning from you.
I think we all can. And here’s what I’m learning so far.
Every parent is a single parent.
One of the things that plagues married parents is the continual negotiation of “who does what” with the kids. I believe a large part of this can be avoided by one simple step—operate as if you’re the only parent around. I know this goes against so much common wisdom about “teamwork” and “united fronts”, but operating this way really has revolutionized my relationships with my children. Here’s why.
One of the concepts I work with comes from Jamie Rasor’s book, Raising Children You Can Live With. He talks about the two sides of parenting: the “personal” side (play, affection, nurturing conversation, etc.), and the “business” side (scheduling, discipline, tough conversations about family rules, etc). These two sides get worked out in some fashion in every family, but the stereotypical way is that one parent is “the nurturer” and the other is “the disciplinarian.” This used to mean “Wait until your father comes home!”, leaving Dad no room to enjoy his kids. Now this balance has shifted, with Dad the stereotypical buddy and Mom having to do all the dirty work.
But single parents, because they don’t have the luxury of balancing the two sides with another person, actually get this right. The key is to find the balance within every parent. In order for me to be the best dad possible, I choose not to depend on my wife to do the dirty work or the nurturing work—I choose to do both as I see fit with each of my kids. And I encourage my clients to do the same. Choose to befriend your kids, play with your kids, learning to truly delight in them as individuals. But also choose to respect them (and yourself) enough to set consequences for their choices and follow through with ridiculous, yet calm, consistency.
This doesn’t mean crowd my wife out of her relationship with our kids, but it does mean that I have a relationship with each of my children that is not dependent on her. That’s one thing single parents are teaching me.
Guilt is a four-letter word.
One of the hallmark principles I work with in my life and my therapy is that “What Doesn’t Get Addressed Will Get Acted Out (and Vice-Versa).” Most of us know this instinctively to be true. Whenever we do not address a concern we have with another person, we end up treating them differently (passive-aggression, avoidance, pettiness).
Whenever we are struggling with certain emotions associated with our children, we ignite an internal battle. We begin to resent them, for instance, when they don’t obey, or respect us, or appreciate all our efforts. If we don’t address this resentment with a peer or mentor, then it becomes all too easy to lash out toward our kids for just being kids.
One negative emotion single parents struggle with is guilt. Guilt over creating (or choosing) the single parent situation in the first place. Guilt over not having “enough” for their kids (time, money, living space, patience). Guilt over resenting these kids when it just seems like life is too overwhelming and it would be so much easier without them. If not addressed, this guilt can overtake a single parent, or any parent for that matter.
What impresses me about so many parents I’ve worked with is their resolute decision to deal with it. Talk about it with me, with their peers, even with their ex-spouses. This takes so much courage to actually admit, but loses so much power when given permission to see the light of day and just breathe. Guilt is only destructive when kept under lock and key, but when exposed it can be seen as simply faulty, perfectionist thinking. It can even help us change certain behaviors that are eroding our self-respect.
Put on your own oxygen mask first.
While it goes against our natural instincts to take care of ourselves before we take care of our kids, the airlines have got it exactly right: if we’re out of breath, we can’t help anybody. And so many of us parents, particularly single parents, feel like we’re out of breath. So many parents feel so overwhelmed that they’re ready to pull their hair out, throw their hands up, you name it. But there’s no wonder why: We’re orbiting our whole lives around our kids and still wondering why it feels we’re just running in circles.
We as parents have been sold a lie, that once we have kids our life is now over—now it’s all about the kids. Look at our minivans. We’ve got stickers emblazoned all over with our kids’ names on them, shouting out to the world who really owns the van, and our lives. What I’ve learned from so many single parents, though, is that in order to truly be available and responsible to their kids, they have to take self-care very seriously. Single parents have been forced by life to realize that no one is going to take care of them physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually any better than they are taking care of themselves. And while that sometimes feels selfish (getting a babysitter while going out with friends or going to the gym or talking with a counselor), it’s usually the most selfless thing they can do.
This is because the more we take care of ourselves, the less we need our kids to be perfect. The more I take care of myself, the less I need my kids to respect or obey or appreciate me in order for me to still be the parent I want to be. Strong single parents I’ve had the honor of watching have taught me that taking care of myself, putting on my own oxygen mask first, is the best thing I can do for my kids.
And lately, I’ve needed these lessons. This summer has been among the most challenging seasons of my life, one that has led to an even greater appreciation for single parents. In early June we learned that my wife, Jenny, has cancer. As she has begun her battle through chemo, I have had plenty of occasions to consider what if. And plenty of occasions to practice doing this parenting thing on my own.
I know, however, that my wife will be victorious in this battle. All the signs so far point to imminent victory. But even more importantly, I know from watching so many single parent heroes that I have plenty of great examples to learn from in the meantime.
We all do.
(52 votes, average: 4.71 out of 5)
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August 2nd, 2007 at 1:03 am
Dear Mr Runkel,
Thank you for an excellent article. I am a single parent and boy, have you got it right! I don’t recall anyone seeing what you have or spelling it out so clearly.
It is so true that you need to take care of yourself – and that is soo hard – as there is just no one else around to help “pick up the pieces” or provide emotional support or a sounding board for ideas or plans, etc. for you.
And although there are lots of well-meaning people around who would love to support you and your children, when it comes right down to it, none of these people have the depth of love or know the history of your child like you do – so you know that you must be strong to protect your child, so they not to loose themselves to the sea of do-gooders that abound, all have an opinion or a gift with strings attached.
I am one of 4 siblings, and the only one divorced. Of all the cousins, my 3 children are the most self-reliant, emotionally stable and practical – and they’re just pleasant to be around. My only concern is if they will be able to establish a good marital relationship because their father and I split up when they were very young, so they haven’t witnessed successful husband-wife interaction. Nor have I ever exposed them to the few men-friends that I’ve had over the years, as they did not become lasting relationships.
For me, the issue, now that two have “flown from the nest” and the third will be ready within the next couple of years, is my emotional loneliness and yearning that has lasted so long is so deep that is even scares me. As a woman of 52 years old, my prospects (statistically speaking) of finding a partner this late in life are minimal. And having single-handedly taken care of my children and kept myself and my family together have made it impossible (timewise) to develop myself in ways that could make me more attractive to the opposite sex (all work and no play makes Jill a dull girl). And the financial drain of raising 3 children on a female salary in a two-income society, has also left me with few savings or valuables that could show a man that I have been a success.
Anyway, thank you for your insightful article, which I enjoyed immensely. By the way, if there was a way for me to vote, you’d get 5 out of 5.
August 2nd, 2007 at 8:02 am
Thanks – I’ve been a single parent for 5 years now, and wish I had read an article like this a few years ago! “Put on your own oxygen mask first” would have helped! Best wishes for health and healing for your wife.
August 3rd, 2007 at 1:05 am
Hi Brenda, I am also a single mother who has in many aspects put aside my social life to focus on the needs of my children and family and finishing my degree while working full-time…while I could possibly have the energy to be in a relationship my dilemma is finding a man who isn’t going need an “extreme makeover” so to speak. I finally came to a point where I needed to take a step back and look at all I have accomplished and put aside to ensure I could comfortably take care of my kids and decided to start taking more time for myself. It is never too late to do start taking time for yourself. In fact, I would say you are in a perfect position to find activities or events in your community to help you connect with people (make new friends) I’m positive you will find that once you have gotten your feet wet and escaped your comfort zone you will be more aware of your options. This includes opportunites to interact with the opposite sex. Lastly, being able to raise children on your own and still manage to be happy, sane
) and healthy has success written all over – any man worthy of your time would have a difficult time realizing that…good luck!
September 10th, 2007 at 4:10 pm
HI, Thanks for sharing your thougth about single mom. I recently became a single mom of twins and boy or boy is it challenging. My current battle now is to losing weigth and staying healthy. Although I desire to marry in the future I will still hold on to your thots of treating each parent as an individual responsible for every aspect of it all. I truly hope that I wil find my”one” at eharmony. Thanks for embracing single parent.
September 10th, 2007 at 4:29 pm
Thank you Hal for such an insightful article! My favorite line is ” Single parents have been forced by life to realize that no one is going to take care of them physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually any better than they are taking care of themselves. ” – that statement really rang true for me. I’ve been putting a priority on my own mental and physical health since I divorced 6 yrs ago. Yes, I’ve felt the guilt. But now that my children are young teenagers, I see how capable and happy they are. And I am capable and happy too. Put on your oxygen mask first! Great advice.
Best wishes to your wife for a speedy recovery!
September 10th, 2007 at 4:44 pm
I too am a single mom raising my two boys on my own. It is a tough road to find the balance of the day to day events, work and support a family and then to consider time for investing in a relationship for yourself. Also being a widow it is a surprise turn that you never quite expect till it happens. You always figure till life do us part, till it happens in a young age.
I would be lying if I said I didn’t yearn for someone that could walk beside me and be romantic and cherish me for who I am. But the dilemma does come in for finding that extra time to devote fully to a new relationship without taking from your children. When the children are young they are also so impressionable and we have to stop and think of how many people we want to bring into our childrens lifes before you find one that you are going to commit to. So jumping into this dating scene is a whole new thought process for me and one that I want to take slowly. I feel E Harmony gives us enough room to meet people and still keep it low key till the “real one” comes along and you know hey, I have to meet this one before he gets away.
To Brenda and Renee: way to be those responsible moms…there is no greater job role in life than raising a well balanced and emotionally healthy family…hats off to you and having your priorities in great balance! you are successes!
Guess we all have to learn to how to find that balance of putting on the oxygen mask! For me it is putting God my first priority in life. It is from that relationship that I find how to step into some big shoes to provide and care for my family and yet remain resilent through all that comes at us.
I know if I take it slow, God will place the right one before me in His time…and when he does I know I will want to take the extra steps in getting know that person on a different level of committment.
Best wishes to all the single moms (&Dads) out there, may you find the right one for you. I know its just a matter of time….help us all to be patient, to carry on, and trust in Gods perfect timing the one He has for each of us will be introduced…perhaps E Harmony will bring that to light?
September 10th, 2007 at 5:12 pm
Thank you so much. I have been a single parent for nearly 10 years now. You are right about feeling guilty and selfish. I feel that way when I leave the house to do things with friends. I feel like I am abandoning my son. I feel like I should be with him instead of being so selfish as to go off for a few hours. Sometimes, I get so caught up in his life (because his life is mine) that I go weeks sometimes months at a time without going anywhere or doing anything, unless it involves my son.
It is hard to consider relationships in my life. I really don’t know how it would affect me or my son. In the past, they have all been disasterous. I decided to try a new avenue. I still have reservations about things and I must consider my son in all decisions. It is hard, sometimes, toget someone else to understand that.
I love my son and we do well together. Being a single parent is extremely hard, but always rewarding.
September 10th, 2007 at 6:30 pm
I just turned 61 and have a 17 yr old daughter and 13 year old son — I have been widowed for 4 years after years of having an ill husband. My age alone makes this hard, but with kids as young as that — it’s really difficult. I don’t seem to fit in any where! I was wishing that eharmony had a special section to help us meet others who might also still be active with their kids — most men my age have kids all grown up — but maybe there is someone who also still has to shelter the nest like I do. I have a career, a commute, in addition to kids…… there must be men who also have kids at home who would love some company too!
September 10th, 2007 at 7:08 pm
Thank you for your article. I have been a single parent almost as early as when my children were born, since my late husband traveled 100% during the week when my youngest children were 2 weeks old. He unfortunately passed away when they were 2, leaving me with a 3 yr. old daughter and twins 2 yrs of age. My oldest is now 13 and my twins 12.
I don’t yet have it completely right, am very tired and sometimes wonder if I have what it takes to finish the job until they are 18. I have made mistakes but somehow we press on. I must say, I have great kids and know that God has a plan and continue to trust that. In the end, I know I will be able to say, I did the best I could. Probably the biggest challenge for me was to give myself freedom to take care of myself, feeling that my children lost the most and therefore I had to give more. Death is very difficult when it comes to trying to manage children’s needs in the midst of your own grief.
I have accepted that I do not have control, God has a plan and would not have placed me in this position if He did not think I could handle it. I trust that someday I will be able to use my new gifts in a very special way.
September 10th, 2007 at 7:12 pm
Thanks Hal for this article. I went to a lot of personal growth workshops before having my son to improve myself and my life. Being a single parent is like an accelerated personal growth workshop because you cannot walk away from the problems, especially if you are a 24 hour a day parent with no ex to fill in. This lifestyle has been very challenging at times, and also has allowed me to understand myself and my relationships at deeper level than I might have otherwise. When I ended up with cancer myself a few years ago, I was crystal clear that I needed to create a lifestyle for myself that would be supportive for myself and my son and day by day that is coming together. Life is much more exciting and dynamic today than it was when I first started parenting. If I had not had my son, I wonder if I would have had the same commitment to love and care for myself which was integral in helping to heal after cancer. Thank you!
September 10th, 2007 at 7:49 pm
I found so much inspiration in your article. Thanks for the wisdom. “Put on your oxygen mask first” is such great advice. I am a single parent and though it is challenging, i focus more on the reward I get from loving, nurturing, caring and spending time with my son. Finding time to even be on the website, reading this article can be hard, never mind finding time for myself. However, I have realized the importance of finding some “me” time. My prayers are with you and your family.
September 10th, 2007 at 8:07 pm
I thought that this was an excellent article. I am a single parent to a 2 year old boy. I often have felt that overwhelmed feeling. I have felt so sad for my son that I have lost me a time or two. Luckily with a supportive family I am beginning to see the light at the end of the tunnel. And although I still feel guilty about my me time I am beginning to understand how it makes me a better parent. Thanks again for your article.
September 10th, 2007 at 8:08 pm
The article is fascinating and so true. I am a single parent of one little guy and I have been trying to do the balancing act of raising him with a Godly heritage while trying to discover (or maybe even rediscover myself as a person too). Dating, exercise, going to church and working while trying to squeeze in some “quality time” with him doesn’t always happen BUT I am working on it! I finished my first triathlon this year but even now, as I grab my runing shoes and head for the door, I get that twinge of guilt that I should be doing more for him…not me. This article really states how it is, and I agree with the line that states, “… the more we take care of ourselves, the less we need our kids to be perfect.” It’s true! I have so much more patience when I take care of myself than if I ignore me……..
Thank you for actually putting it in words in a way that other non-single parents might understand….. Best wishes to your wife for a speedy recovery and good luck to those single parents out there still looking or the “one”.
September 10th, 2007 at 8:11 pm
I have to disagree with the statement “Every parent is a single parent.” Only single parents really get what it means to have *all* the pressure & decisions on them – everything from working for a paycheck to getting food on the table, laundry, soccer, house, etc. Married parents and some divorced-single parents don’t have to worry about providing 100% of what it takes to be a single parent. The mom or dad who stays home with the kids while the spouse goes to work every day doesn’t really know what it means to be a single parent – they have someone else going out and bringing the paycheck in every month. We single parents have to juggle *all* the balls. … Just my opinion of course …
September 10th, 2007 at 8:13 pm
Hello, what a facinating article. I am a single parent with a seven month old son and i never expected to read something so positive about being a single parent. I agree with most of what you have written wholeheartedly. I guess I chose this situation for me and my son but I don’t feel guilty about it. I truly believe that with enough dedication and commitment from me we will find a good balance in life. I do hope that guilt doesn’t creep in in the years to come however and reading your article has opened my eyes to the possiblilty. My son is just a baby and so much of my life is currently dedicated to his care, your article has confirmed to me that I will need to re-gain some of ‘me’ and my old life back at some point…..Thank you.
Very best wishes to your wife for a speedy recovery and family happiness to follow that.
September 10th, 2007 at 9:21 pm
Thank you for your article.
Today I found myself in my room, staring at the ceiling & asking myself WHY WHY WHY… knowing good & well that my son was in the front room causing some serious damage.
He’s now 2.6yrs.. and having zero help from my ex husband, working full time, & managing to avoid the foreclosure process has been quite the struggle.
Although I am often burndt out on playing BAD COP all the time, your message inspired me to keep my head up & continue doing what I have been.
Forever Greatful,
Darlene
September 10th, 2007 at 10:24 pm
Thank you Hal for such a great article and for your respect and appreciation for the single parents out there. Also for putting into words the reasons why we feel so guilty, because it always helps to know that others are going through the same thing. I have been a single parent for almost two years and it does take an inordinate amount of strength to keep it all together every day, thus I like how you referred to us as heros. Best wishes for you wife’s speedy recovery. Take care.
September 10th, 2007 at 10:44 pm
Hi all of you! I also am a single mom of two beautiful girls. By now, I am divorced for 6 years and my children turned into beautiful swans… . Boy, the time flies so fast… . The road of a single parenthood has not been easy, but I also found a lot of good in it: I became me, a real person… with my own opinions, my own character, my own strengths, my own weaknesses. Earlier, I relied on my husband, but now I am relying on myself and God only… who strengthens me everyday. And, yes, my life was very hard because I went to college, had a job, had to do homework, and of course, took care of the children… . It was not easy: there were many many sleepless nights… . But, I also learned I need to take care of myself. Sometimes, I felt guilty about it, but this article just proved that I was right. You do need to take care of yourself first, then your family. Because if you don’t, you’re putting your whole family into big jeopardy because one day you may just not see the sun anymore. I can say, my children and I grew up together. Funny how it sounds, but it’s true. They made me grow into myself, and thanks to them I am who I am today. I know God turns all things for good for those who love God. It is true. He also will never let us bear more than we can handle. And, there is a perfect timing, God’s timing for everything. So, now I just have to hope and wait for my “prince on the white horse.” Hopefully, e-harmony will help me and all of us with that. Take care.
September 11th, 2007 at 2:19 am
Liked the article. Thanks for addressing these issues. Sometimes I feel like an outcast but I know I am by far not the only single mother.
Was nice to laugh!
September 11th, 2007 at 4:47 am
I liked your article. I am a single mother of about 7 years now… and I think you described us pretty well… What I want to share with you is “how” we are able to walk in such a place… As we all know God’s design for family is to have the husband, wife and children… but we don’t always walk in that design but instead of punishment He gives us the grace it will take to be successful. After all, He wants us to raise Godly seed… Is it God’s best… nah… but He is always faithful to help us when we miss it IF we will trust him!!! I guess really… we’re not raising our children alone… are we…???
I just want to thank you for noticing something positive about our lives……
Kim
September 11th, 2007 at 5:16 am
Thank you Hal!!!!!!!!!!!!! It’s soo ironic, that I would see this article on 9/11. A day of REFLECTION. I’ve been a single parent for 8yrs now. And most definitely it is the hardest job I ever had! Hands down! Balancing kids, home, romance, and career has been rough. But a learning and life experience that I would never trade in. I grew as a person and a mother. Now, my kids are teenagers. And paying extreme attention to them is very important. But also from listening to my kids and their expressions. What they also want is for me to be happy. It’s funny when I hear them ask, “Mom do you have a date?” . They love to see me dressed up. My son greets my date, and my daughter helps me get ready. Being a single parent brought me from tears of struggles, to a rainbow tears of sooo many joys!!! And to other single parents, hang in there, cause it definitely gets better!
September 11th, 2007 at 5:22 am
Thank you for validating that our most selfless act is taking care of ourselves. My whole life isn’t revolved around my kids. We work hard at balance and in that process they learn the things I like and open their minds to new experiences. When I have that opportunity to go and have some time with my “adult” friends it rejuvenates me where I can take on the tough day-to-day issues with my kids. I’ll be divorced two years in October. It has been very challenging but rewarding in so many ways. From time to time I do feel guilt for my decision but in the long run I remind myself of what I’ve accomplished on my own and my guilt melts away. Great article – thank you. I mean it!
September 11th, 2007 at 6:01 am
Thanks for the article about single parenting. I have been a single parent for 6 1/2 years now. I never thought I would be a single parent but when my husband passed away suddenly from a blood clot, I did not know what I was going to do. It is hard to find time to yourself. I try and make myself a rule not to do any housework after 8:00 p.m. so I can have some down time. It doesn’t happen every night but most of the time it works. The hardest thing about the article was the part about going out with friends because most single parents have friends that are married or many of the friends I have are married. I find it awkward to go out with couples and I am alone. Thanks for writing the article, it was great to know that I am not alone!!
September 11th, 2007 at 6:01 am
Being a single Mom has been hard, but my biggest accomplishment has been to ensure my son’s healthy well-balanced realtionship with his daddy away from home. After growing up in a well-knitted family of 10, all I wanted in life was to have a long-lasting marriage and grow old with my spouse. After being married for over 10 years, getting a divorce was out of the question, but due to an infidelity, my marriage went to rumbles. After the divorce it was worse, because I found out my son had a baby sister, which my ex-spouse had while we were still married. I found out after the divorce.
Learning to deal with the pain of the divorce, and then to deal with my ex-spouse, his new partner, my son’s new baby sister, boy was it hard, but not impossible. I grasped onto my Faith in God, my SON and myself. After three years down the road, I can say, I have learned to put on my Oxygen Mask, but above all to cherish and love myself more! Sometimes it is a lonely journey not having someone by your side, but let me tell you there is no better feeling than to know that your values, your self-respect and love can make a very big difference in a child’s life! It is great to hear…Mommy I love you, Mommy I miss you & those big kisses and hugs that only a child can give his parent!
Also, to see that although I went through a lot of pain and hurt, I did not pass it onto him, always shielding him and saving the best for him as well. If I am happy, my son is happy….and if I am happy alone, I know I can make someone happy in the future. I have learned to deal with my different situations in life in a positive manner and with GOD by side, believe me, it is a lot easier.
Most importantly, that I did not change as a person…I grew in a lot of ways, but I did not change the most important part of me….my dream to have a happy home, my values, my self-respect and my inner happiness. When I look back and see what I went through, I am proud to say, that I made it! When you look at your ex-spouse with another person and you can say hello, how are you to the both of them, then you know that you have surpassed something a lot of people cannot handle. Love is not selfish and therefore, when you can see yourself happy no matter what, then you know you can move on with or without someone by your side! I wish all of those single parents out there the best…..the world has changed and will continue to do so, but Values, Respect towards God and above all LOVE does not….there are many people out there willing to hurt and break others no matter what, but at the end GOOD will always surpass the badness that reigns within them…in the end, stand strong and do not change the essence of what Matters the MOST…..Thank you for a very wonderful article and I wish all is well with your wife! May you all have a sunshine day! ….even if it is raining!
September 11th, 2007 at 6:05 am
Thank you so much for such a thoughtful and uplifting article regarding sigle parenting. I have been a single parent of two amazing children for two years. I’m still adapting to it and trying to understand how to make ends meet each day. I bacame a single parent when I was pregnant with our second child, so my daughter never has really had a entire “family”. I consider us a family no matter what equation so many professionals state makes up a family. We have moved, built a house, started a new school, nanny, and job and we are doing wonderful. But the one word I continuously use is “WE”. I’m struggling with the idea of starting a new relationship. That has been a fear of mine and I often wonder exactly how to go about it. But until I find my own personal happiness, I will revel in the thought that I have my two children and they make me the happiest that I can be. Thank you again for such a wonderful article!
September 11th, 2007 at 6:58 am
Hey, Y’all,
As (yet another) single mom who’s been at it for some time now, I’ve got a couple of comments to add to the string. For me, the hardest part of single parenting is being consistent with discipline. Single parenting is exhausting, and sometimes it feels like just too much work to have to discipline on top of everything else. This is especially true, I think, when the non-custodial parent becomes the Disnelyand (dad or mom), and you get to do all the heavy lifting. But I’ve lived the “what doesn’t get addressed will get acted out” and have learned that it is, indeed, less exhausting in the long haul to address it up front than have to pay for not doing so later.
On the whole dating thing, I commend those of you who, by choice or circumstance, have chosen to limit your relationship-building. I’ve read the (few) studies on children of divorce, and one of the things they struggled with most (after the break-up itself) was trying to attach/detach from the parade of significant others in their parents’ lives. My children’s father started dating immediately after the divorce. Suddenly, even with joint custody, he never had time for his children, and when he did, the new girlfriend was always along. My girls felt doubly abandoned. My choice (and I recognize it wouldn’t be the right one for everyone) was to opt not to date until my children were “launched”. I also found a church where I could plug in with families that offered strong male role models for my girls. While I can’t give them what they should have gotten from their own father, they now view other men as their “surrogate dads” without the complications of romantic relationships with their mom.
Now, with one daughter in grad school (doctoral program), another touring the world as part of a youth ambassador program, and my youngest finishing her last year of high school and looking towards college, I can rejoice in the level-headed, self-reliant, God-glorifying women they’ve become. And I can start thinking about having a romantic relationship, should that come along.
But along the way, I’ve discovered that while being single has its lonely moments, there are lots of things I can do as a single that I wouldn’t do if I was married. Having a great group of friends (both male and female) with whom to do things is the best gift I ever gave myself .
Best wishes on your journey!
September 11th, 2007 at 7:05 am
Thanks for the article. I have been a single parent of two children (daughter, 16 yo and son, 12 yo) for over 11 years. Recently, I adopted another son, 2 yo. We have a great time. It is tough being both the nurturer and the disciplinarian, but it is manageable. My children seem to be balanced young people, active in school, church, and social activities. It is challenging negotiating schedules for a teen, pre-teen and toddler, as well as the Mom. We all understand that being a family means give and take. So far, that works!
Thanks for your article. I’ll be praying for your wife, as well as you and your children as you navigate her illness.
September 11th, 2007 at 7:30 am
I enjoy reading articles like this. I am reminded that I am a single parent for a reason. Being married to the father was not any easier, if not worse, than what I am experiencing now. I am grateful that I feel like I have a second chance to make things right for my kids. My choices made before have an “after taste” but in the end are life experiences that become the “when I was your age” story for the grandkids
One thing talked about in the article is guilt. I have lots of it. I don’t like to spend money on myself or do things with grownups because of it. Another thing, is while dating, I find many men who are weekend dads, are really not interested in taking on a new family. It becomes discouraging. What I have tried to do in the recent months, after really being alone, is tring to find others like me. Like this article, remember I am not alone. I remember to not rush myself through life. I remember any man worthy of my family will see my strength (lord knows I don’t need -grown- child to enable) so I want to be intimadating and strong. I will radiate love, warmth, patience and understanding but will not tolerate my energy being wasted on emotions (and people) that drain me of my most prized possession, Me.
September 11th, 2007 at 7:50 am
This is a message for Brenda. I completely agree with you. I am 56 and just took my 18 yr. old to college. He comes home on weekends and I cry every Sun. when I have to kiss him goodbye. BUT I want to encourage you Brenda. I also completely understand what you wrote about not feeling like you have any success to go out there and share with any prospects. BUT you and I both know the value of what we have done as mothers! I have gone to online matching and have met the most awesome man! He actually was turned off by the matches sent to him that were showing material success. He was interested in a woman who loved her family and was involved with her children’s lives even though they were out of the home. I don’t know the what the outcome will be but we are becoming wonderful friends. He has let me know that I have tremendous value.
SO LOOK UP MY FRIEND! Do something wonderful for YOU…..your life is about to begin in a whole new way! God Bless You bigly!
September 11th, 2007 at 8:01 am
Great article and nice to be acknowledged for the hard work it takes to be a single parent! Most of my married friends complain about their spouses, but they should taste the single parent life to be able to appreciate what they have! I think eharmony should have some kind of matching specifically geared to us single parents so we can find mates in the same boat as we are!!
September 11th, 2007 at 8:22 am
Since this is a Bible-based web site I’d like to encourage and challenge those who face the daunting task of single parenting using God’s honorable, true and time-tested principles………
As a single dad of 7 years, I can say that this way of life, single parenting, is not God’s design, but the result of our fallen nature(SIN). Only by God’s grace that He pours out daily can we “carry our cross” through each day that challenges and grows our character for His glory.
If you will bear with me, I’d like to give hope, courage and strength to those who face parenting alone…….you are not alone if you have an intimate walk with Jesus , that you develop a relationship of submission to Him; He is both your Lord and Savior. When I was first alone and had no helpmate, I felt abandoned and totally inadequate. But, the more I “pressed” into God, the more peace and comfort I felt. It took a long time of being alone to realize that no human could truly understand my grief and pain, only God truly gave me the peace I needed. And yes, the more I took care of myself, the better I was for my kids and those around me. And, the more I sought and intimate walk with Christ, the more my life improved spiritually, emotioally and physically. Yes, I had my closest men or Christian brothers enhance my walk with God, but ultimately I needed to always put Christ first.
A relationship with Christ over time has brought me to a point where I have my significance because of what God did in Christ, dying for me. I’m authentic because I choose to submit to Jesus’ Lordship in my life. And because of those two components I’m able to love others, especially my son and daughter.
My hope is that we don’t look to the opposite sex to define who we are….that we don’t look for a relationship to “sweep us off our feet” and give us a temporary fix. Your value is established in Christ, not in men, women or our kids….the price was paid on the cross!
I love my time alone, taking care of myself and I enjoy the many memories my kids and I create together. But only God can teach me how to raise my kids alone, and that He place someone in my life in His perfect timing to enhance my walk and share in the joys and challenges of step parenting.
God’s grace and peace to each of you!
September 11th, 2007 at 8:49 am
Thank you so much for a great article….what a great new service to provide to struggling parents; trying to find a balance, trying to find a way to keep everyone happy.
Please keep up the good work, those of us out here really appreciate it.
September 11th, 2007 at 2:20 pm
WOW….very empowering article! I have pretty much been a single parent since 2003. I would like to say that I believe “me time” is so important for any parent single or married. It keeps me happy which in turn reflects for all to see. Even though I am a single parent of two wonderful daughters I feel blessed because the Lord has given me this opportunity. My advice to single parents stay strong, dig deep, and allow friends and family to help. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family during this difficult time. God Bless.
September 11th, 2007 at 2:24 pm
Jesse I don’t believe I could have said it any better. God is a blessing and you are being a blessing by sharing your faith and encouraging word. God Bless
September 11th, 2007 at 3:26 pm
I really appreciate the tone of this article and the perspective from which it was written. I am a single mother of one. I have never really appreciated people who want to be sympathetic. “Oh, it must be so hard with you working, and going to nursing school, and raising your son.” I really hated hearing that kind of pity! It made me think that there was something wrong with me in that person’s eyes.
I am very balanced and I feel that my son and I are a legitimate unit. So, yes, congratulate a single parent on how well his/her child is behaved or adjusted. Ask us how we do it. Just don’t feel sorry for me! I have finished nursing school, by the way, and my son and I are reaping the benefits of our hard work.
Yolanda
September 11th, 2007 at 3:30 pm
Jesse, I cannot tell you how encouraging your note was. My ex-husband left us 17 months ago. I have two small children. The Lord has carried me through this in amazing ways. The divorce went through in November, and he is still with his mistress. My children and I are still praying that their father will repent, fall deeply in love with the Lord, and return to his family afterwards.
It often seems to me that women are more likely to open up and write about the Lord. What a blessing for the Lord to remind me that He works just as strongly in the men who seek Him.
May the Lord bless you!
September 11th, 2007 at 4:26 pm
Amanda– you will be fine! I have been a single parent from the get go, and as hard as it can be, there are reasons we chose this road! Parenthood is the best thing that has ever happened to me! Best of luck!
Hal, thank you so much for such an insightful article, you nailed it! So glad to have found this site, we are not alone!!
My thoughts and prayers go out to you and your family!
September 11th, 2007 at 8:42 pm
Good article. Yes, you are right, no one knows what it’s like to be a single parent unless you have lived it. I lost my wife without warning on a Saturday morning two years ago when my sons were 3 and 5 years old. To tell your children their mother has died is something no father should ever have to do. Yet the sun rises every morning and you have no choice but to carry on. I had to go from a very structured, type A kind of person to a balanced, flexible person because I had no choice if I was to be a good parent to my sons. I did this willingly and I am happy I did. I also had a very close relationship with my kids – I was the one who woke up and fed them at night when they were babies. I knew how to change diapers and take care of them. I spent time with them, played with them, nurtured them. That made all of the difference when suddenly it was me and me alone.
After I lost my wife I was filled with doubt and fear about the future. I was not sure how I was going to do everything, even with the bond I had with my kids. It’s ironic that now I feel totally on top of my role as a parent. I regularly see two parent familes that don’t have it together like I do.
As I read through all of the comments, I could not help but notice that they were all from mothers. For those of you who are divorced, where are the fathers? I just cannot undersand what kind of father would not be there for his kids, even if divorced.
September 11th, 2007 at 8:51 pm
God bless you all for these uplifting stories of life’s challenges. I am a single mom of five wonderful children. My life is much more wonderful as a single mother now after almost 7 years of being divorced than it ever was married to an abusive husband for 10 years. Thankfully God has made provision for us for peace and joy and love. We are not perfect and I only pray for strength to raise Godly children. (The discipline part hurts me)
I’ve had to really grow a lot and ask for help. But by being raised in a single parent household, my children are more self-reliant and also look out for one another all the time. I love to see them interact. After all, they are really God’s creation. I am just here to nuture, support, and guide them to Him…
September 12th, 2007 at 6:24 am
Wow! How wonderful it is to finally hear positive advice..and praise for us single parents. My children are 18 and 12 and for most of their lives I’ve read and listened to the statistics saying that my children would most likely be involved in drugs, alcohol, and sex because of the missing parent. I remember living with fear especially when my son was approaching 13, worrying that he would follow in his fathers footsteps and become an alcoholic, or get ‘mixed up’ in with the wrong crowd.
My son is 18 and is a strong Christian, very involved in his youth group. He wears a purity ring and wants to ‘wait’ until he gets married before having sex. He goes to a public school advocating against drugs, alcohol and smoking. So, to all you single parents….don’t believe those statistics for your children!
My daughter admires her big brother and seems to be following his footsteps. I can only pray that she too will continue to walk on the straight and narrow.
I do still wonder what type of relationships my children will have when they get married, not having an example to follow. I can only hope that the struggles we’ve endured as a family, both financially and emotionally have prepared them to deal with any hardships they encounter in their marriage.
Thanks for the advice with the oxygen mast. I too wish I had heard this a long time ago! I can relate to so many of the people on this site…it’s been really encouraging to hear the success stories!
September 12th, 2007 at 8:00 pm
Great article! I have been on both sides of single parenting. When my first marriage ended, my ex had my daughter. We didn’t fit the stereotype, though, since I had the role of disciplinarian. When my second marriage ended, I made sure my kids lived with me. It is much more demanding to be the custodial parent but much more rewarding as well! The guilt I feel when I do some poor parenting today is nothing compared to the guilt I felt on the outside looking in as the non-custodial parent. I think that is one reason so may of them become “Disneyland” or drift away. So, I find that one of the hardest things I do this second time around is the effort it takes to keep my ex-wife involved in our children’s lives. It would have been easy 10 years ago to drive her off and keep her away, but that wouldn’t have been good for my children! And, sometimes, those Disneyland experiences can be wonderful for them – mine got to go to the World Series (alas, the Tigers lost)!
On taking care of yourself first: Absolutely! You can’t take care of your children if you don’t take care of your self. And, as they get older, and you explain it to them well, they will even support you in taking care of your self.
Hal, best wishes for Jenny!
September 12th, 2007 at 8:44 pm
This article is so special. It addresses an ever-growing type family that gets not nearly enough recognition. Thank you so much for your insight and words of encouragement. I became a single parent to my second-generation children through adoption. Even though I was 40+ years of age at the time, I felt I still had more to give. It has been an interesting 13 years so far, but I wouldn’t change a thing. When you mentioned the oxygen mask, I had to smile. I knew that was for me. I started out trying to do everything and be everywhere myself. It took a while to realize I wasn’t getting enough time or space just for me. I’m getting much better at a mom-time/family-time balancing now. I think it makes a big difference in our overall relationship. Thanks again, and God bless you and your family.
September 13th, 2007 at 4:40 pm
I enjoyed the article as well. I did not realize there were so many of us-single MOM’S. It’s hard to find a soulmate and be a single parent. I love my son and we do a lot together and i hope this never changes.
I would like to find a man to share our love with, maybe one day. I pray for this and I have faith my prayer will be answered in His (Jesus) time.
September 13th, 2007 at 6:21 pm
As I read all the responses to the this wonderful and insightful article, I was thinking the same thing as Keith. Where are all the guys? I am divorced single parent that has custody of my now 5 yr old daughter since she was 3. I have learned things I never would have imagined growing up (like how to make a pony tail and trying to match girls clothing) and done most of it by myself. I have gone and continue to go through the emotions of thinking I am doing it wrong at times, and guilt that really needs to be held in check. Thanks for putting a fresh perspective on this feeling and know I am not alone. I have a wonderful and happy child and that reward is all I can ask for. Just remember “keep your arms and feet inside at all times and enjoy the ride”
September 14th, 2007 at 6:17 am
Thank you so much for your wonderfully, encouraging article on Single parenting. I too am a single parent now for over 13 years. Not many regrets and minimal guilt episodes. I’ve managed to raise well balanced kids (daughter and a son). I’ve found strength to support a daughter who recently graduated from Yale University and am now concentrating on readying myself for an empty nest once my son, who is a High School Junior flies the nest. This is actually not something I look forward to, however I am grateful that I have found strength in prayer and strong support groups to weather the storms of Single parenting. As Hal has pointed out, You MUST take care of yourself first, so there’s oxygen to care for those whom you love. For those who feel that the pressures of single parenting are great, hang in there and know that the rewards of rearing responsible, law-abiding, contributing citizens is even greater reward. Be Blessed on your journeys!
September 14th, 2007 at 6:21 am
To add to my earlier comment, I’ve been blessed by what I’ve learned from my children as a Single parent. I never would have known what a first down was in football nor how many innings were in baseball, had my son not been as involved in sports as he is. I’ve learned that Mom can’t keep a manicure if she’s throwing grounders and spirals and being catcher, pitcher, etc……
I’m thanking for this experience. Blessed to know that I’ve known when men who approached me would not be good models in my children’s life. Always listen to intuition and practice discernment…..For your kids’ sake. Stay healthy, both mentally, emotionally and physically!
September 14th, 2007 at 6:35 pm
Thanks, Hal.
September 15th, 2007 at 3:57 am
Hi-
I’ve been a single parent of boy/girl twins for about 2 1/2 years. After 16 years together, my ex-husband woke up one morning and decided he just didn’t want to be married anymore-just like that. He left and the babies were 15 months old at the time. I have a son and daughter who are surviving twins of a triplet pregnancy. My other son died in utero when I was 6 1/2 months pregnant. I am totally on my own-he doesn’t use the visitation that he does have, doesn’t pay jis court-ordered child support and has no relationship with his children. When I took him back to court for contempt for not paying his child support, he VOLUNTEREED to terminate his parental rights. I have found out several things since then, like the fact that my ex apparently never stopped dating. He is also now married to the woman who he has his last relationship with.
I am totally on my own-working full time as a teacher, fully and actively involved in my church, joining the ranks of soccer moms (actually this morning is the first game for my almost-4 year olds!). It is the hardest thing in the world to be a single parent, and dating…well…some interesting stories there. I have been a member of eHarmony for quite some time, and have met some nice people on this site. Balancing my life, putting on my oxygen mask first, accepting help from others and more importantly, asking for it when I need it has been hard. I’ve always been a strong woman, but would have never believed that this is how life would have evolved. I’ve relied deeply on my faith, giving it to God and not taking it back when I think I know better. My twins were born very prematurely, so they have had some ongoing medical issues since birth. Managing their needs while attending to my own has been an exercise in faith and perseverance.
To Keith-I appreciate your perspective and your question “where are the fathers?” Not to be sarcastic or mean-sounding in any way, but I can honestly answer that by saying “tell me and we’ll both know!” I don’t understand it either.
The bright side is that there is a light at the end of the tunnel, time does heal all wounds and the Grace of God helps us to forgive those who have wronged us. Life is too short (and WAY too much fun with twins who are about to be 4) to get bogged down in negativity. However, at the end of the day, in the middle of the night, sitting in the bathroom with a sick child, or doing yet another load of laundry…it is hard to remember that.
Just some thoughts here…maybe eHarmony should start some type of special part of their site for single dating parents?! Hummm….
September 15th, 2007 at 5:12 pm
Overall I can appreciate your article. I too have merged into the single parent life this past year. However, I was very put off by your initial comment “And yes, unfortunately, I was raised by two single parents after my parents divorced when I was eleven” using the word “unfortunately” suggests we should pity your upbringing. People get divorced for a reason. Hopefully because life and the home to raise a child will overall be better. I don’t know the reason surrounding your parents divorce, but would it have been better for them to stay together? You wouldn’t not be the person you are today.
September 15th, 2007 at 5:20 pm
Hal, I came across this article by accident, but I wanted to take the time to tellyou how much I enjoyed it. I couldn’t help noticing how much of the advice you gave applies to non-parents too. It is so easy, in this increasingly demanding world, to get overwhelmed by the pressures we (and others simply by their existence) place on ourselves. It’s so very important to remember to keep that part of you that is just you, healthy and strong.
I really enjoyed reading the stories of all of you single parents out there. So many of you, I thought “Wow, I wish I knew her/him…what an amazing person!” I was so thrilled to hear your success stories that I wanted to add one more. Even more than that there were so few single dads on here, I was surprised that there was no one speaking from the child’s perspective.
My father left us when I was very young (Some people aren’t meant to be parents.) and for many years my mom had the sole responsibility of turning me into a decent human being. (No small task…:)) Every decision she made, as I’m sure you all know, weighed all the more heavily because she was ‘it’. To those of you facing day after day of questions and guilt, wondering if you could possibly be enough or if your child will one day resent you for the choices you’ve made, let me tell you…I was blessed to have a single mom and I wouldn’t have had it any other way. I won’t say that life was easy, but I learned reality early on. I’m constantly baffled by all the adults walking around today who still haven’t discovered it.
My mom and I were a team and we learned together! It was the fact that she didn’t try to hide life (and all its problems) from me that made me the success that I am. She taught me that life is difficult, but from the very beginning, she also taught me how to problem-solve. I knew that we didn’t have the money that other kids’ parents had, so we learned to have fun for free. She made most of my clothes and taught me to sew, too. (At school, the other kids were envious of my one-of-a-kind clothes. ) When she would get home from work, she would fix dinner and get me ready for bed. She would then pack me and my books into the car and head back to work. I can only imagine how hard that must have been for her to do and the guilt she must have felt while I was sleeping under a desk instead of in my bed at home. What she may not realize it that what I got out of it was immeasurable! There is absolutely nothing I can’t do, because she taught me how to recognize and do what has to be done instead of giving up or complaining.
I am 26 years old. When I graduated highschool, I joined the military. I served in the Air Force for 6 years and I’m now a junior in college and on the dean’s list. Once, in my freshman year, I was in a study group and had someone rudely ask me why I was starting college at 24 instead of getting married. I was stunned. I’ll admit, when my friends from high school are married and having babies, I sometimes wonder if I’ve made the right choices. But then I remember that they were MY choices and all I learned and accomplished by making them.
I told him “My mother taught me that I can do anything, so I decided to do it all.
Many blessings to all of you and your families!
September 16th, 2007 at 8:54 am
Hal’s slant is interesting to me, as he has all of the “benefits” of a helpmate for his children. I never suspected someone in his shoes could give useful advice to someone like me. I am surprised, however, that fewer singles were not aware of the oxygen mask theory. I have lived that credo many years now. If the parent is not healthy, the child will not be healthy. This goes for one parent or two, apart or together.
I relate most to Yolanda, however. Folks constantly tell me, Oh good for you, you poor thing, it is so hard being a single parent. Go ahead and be late. Don’t bother with this, you have too much going on and doing it alone. I never thought it to be hard, and people make such a fuss over it. It is no more difficult that trying to run interference on the bad actions of another parent. It’s just been what it is, and you do what you do.
Personally I would consider cancer a greater obstacle than single parenthood, and lift up Hal and Jenny in this struggle. Thanks to all who have shared their thoughts.
September 17th, 2007 at 12:49 am
Dear Hal:
Thank you for your article. It takes to oxen to pull a yoke and plow…try putting that on one oxen and see of you get the same results. I have 3 children, 2 of whom are adults and 1 soon to be 18 – same father. We have been divorced since 1994. He has never attended anything of theirs, and is more rebellious and childish than they are sometimes. Battling his ungodly, unruly influence on my kids has been done mostly on my knees. I have one more child, he is 15 and his father has never been in the picture and we found out the father died in 2004. I have no family support other then my children. your article is terrific, yet, I find that it doesn’t quite explain how hard it is to accomplish what you desire in your children, when they are for the most part, fatherless or fathered by a child himself.
To tell you the truth…I have been single for 8 years, and when the day is done, I still handle all the weight “alone.” Except for my reliance on God. I can’t tell you when the last time was that someone innocently wrapped their arms around me tightly and let me cry and said, “you’ll be alright, I am here. I will help.” So, when the sun goes down, I start a new weighty task…finding comfort in my prayers and my pillow. When the hours come, that my son is off doing his thing, I busy myself with housework, reading, finding things I enjoy to do. Often…I do those alone, as my friends are mothers and have kids that are wrapped up in sports…and the parents are too.
Single parenting, is to say the least…like trying to get one ox, to plow a large plantation in a two oxen yoke. If we remain teachable and keep sight of “who” we are as people, and can find people to help and support us…we can come out okay! And the rewards, at least, will be knowing we never gave up, we learned alot about ourselves….and if there are prodigals…they will find their way home someday. Single parents need to encourage each other ALOT! We need to be willing to help each other out…respite care, sharing meals, carpooling, shoulders to cry on and the real key…share things that bring laughter and joy! Those rays of sunshine…”lighten” the road/load. Cause the airlines…do have it right. I have gone through cancer/endo and a sons major illness and long term hospitalization…alone, with all 4 kids. Handled the insufficient single income and overwhelming bills that were just living expenses, and all the problems, too….if it weren’t for good, sound friends to love me, encourage me and at least, listen to me…tell my children to “listen and obey”…and “you (kids) are good kids,” and “you are valuable and loved”….we would be a mess.
Oh! And one more thing….single parents, often we learn to focus so much on our children, doing both roles of father/mother and all the jobs that a household requires…we don’t see the empty nest comin….beware about 3 years before it happens…start preparing yourself and finding good things and people to fill the increasing free hours and time. I am there and 3 years seems so short to me, and then I will be ….on my own…bittersweet thing.
Thank you SO much for writing on this!
God Bless,
Lorraine
September 18th, 2007 at 1:47 pm
You are right Matthew! There are more of us single dads now then ever before! ( not sure why or what has happened ) but I can testifie that I have been rasing my son by myself for over 4 year’s now with no support at all and yes it’s a challange but as I look back now it has been worth it. The last word’s to my ex-wife where ” If you want to leave ,that’s fine…but I will never be a part time Dad to my son! ‘ Here we are now doing very well my son is doing very well all around and I am taking small steps to help myself and move forward… I guess you could say thats why I am here at e-harmony.
September 21st, 2007 at 10:26 pm
Wow, thank you all for sharing your thoughts, stories, prayers and inspirational words… yet another single mom here who at times feels so overwhelmed by being all roles – mom, employee, housekeeper, friend. It is so encouraging to read how others are surviving and thriving too. It makes me feel proud to be in such good company. Thanks to Hal for his empowering article that helps to renew our faith in ourselves and remind us that our hard work does not go unnoticed or unappreciated.
God bless us all.
September 22nd, 2007 at 11:22 am
A single parent for almost 17 years (Ill be 39 in October) it was nice to read something that gives praise where it is always due- but not often realized. And the guilt thing got me- I am always feeling guilty. When there wasn’t enough money- I was guilty, but now I work quite a bit and then run a business on the side, I am guilty instead of not having enough time. I just remind my two kids that if they like our lifestyle, and all the things they have, all the activities the enjoy, then to understand when Im too tired to go to the mall after working 60 hours in a week. Though Ill usually comprimise with renting a movie and some takeout so I can relax while still spending time with them, I still feel guilty often. Thanks for the kudos!
September 22nd, 2007 at 1:13 pm
There is nothing else that can compare to being a single parent. My married friends think they can imagine the situation when their spouse is out of town for a weekend or even an evening, but there is nothing like doing EVERYTHING on your own day after day knowing the situation is not temporary. It is not just about the parenting situation in front of you at the moment, it is about making parenting choices day and night on top of running the household, cooking, cleaning, shopping, paying bills, being financially responsible for a family on one female (usually) income, home repairs, yard work, working 8-10 hours a day, kids’ after school activities, homework help, medical appointments and other issues, planning recreation for the family, issues with your own parents, providing emotional and physical safety for your children, etc… All this with no one to turn to and ask for their opinion. That sounds daunting, but we do it because the reward is so immense. We love our kids, and we need to protect them when we consider our own dating situation. This is where it gets tricky. I am sure that I am not alone in wanting that (adult) someone special in my life, but I do not want to take away so much time from my children. The men I have met expect a lot of one on one time – which would be fine if I did not have kids, but I do not think it is appropriate for a parent to go out several nights a week, leaving their kids with a sitter or alone. I am almost to the point of giving up and waiting until the kids are on their own, but then I have the added complication of age as well!
Can’t eHarmony PLEASE have a single parent section as some of the other comments have suggested?? Or perhaps let us choose only from matches that understand our commitment to our kids and realize we are not free to pick up and go at any time??? My matches do not seem to take into consideration what it is like to have children around 24-7.
September 23rd, 2007 at 7:57 am
What a great article!! I am the single mother of three daughters, and I can fully relate to the notion that putting my oxygen mask on first is important. However, I’ve found it very difficult to do. With three kids, the time when I’m not working is almost 100% theirs. Most of that is out of necessity, but guilt comes into play, also. I tend to look at my life in sections – more or less. This section is the child rearing time, and there will be Tracey time down the road when they are older.
Also, I DO agree with the theory that every parent should have independent relationships with each of their children, regardless of their marital status. I also agree that those relationships must include ALL elements of parenting. Fathers who are comitted to really knowing their children, nurturing them on all levels, emotionally guiding them and growing and changing with their children as they grow, are the exception from what I’ve seen. Your children will reap as many benefits from this kind of a relationship as you will.
Thanks again for the article and prayers for you, your wife, and your family as you go through this trying time.
September 23rd, 2007 at 11:11 pm
I am so glad I found your article and all of the responses. I am in tears right now because I have been struggling and in turmoil for the last few months. After reading the article and especially the comments I don’t feel all alone.
Being a single parent for 6 years (my daughter is now 7), I have felt my candle start to slowly dim over the last 6-8 months. I started out strong and happy, but with finances, time, and energy always being stretched to the limit I have felt the strains start to tear away at my seams. I have always been able to race around and keep things together, but lately I didn’t seem to know how.
Your article and the comments written were just what I needed to brighten my candle and reaffirm that I am doing the right thing.
Joleen’s article helped me alot. I often think what my daughter must think of me because we do not have much money and her dad and his “new” wife does. I hope that my daughter grows up like Joleen and knows that anything is possible. I can only hope that my example will teach her to be strong, make the right decisions even though it might be the more difficult path, and above all believe in herself.
Thanks again everyone for all of the articles. I gained something from each one and I feel alot better now about myself and my situation.
September 27th, 2007 at 6:03 pm
This is a note for Joleen (hopefully you come back and see this!)
I am in tears after reading your posting. I cannot believe how proud your Mom must be of her girl! I’m proud of you, and I’ve never met you! The story that you shared is just wonderful, and I wish that I had the pleasure of knowing you and your Mom!
You know, as the single mother of two awesome, very “together” and well-adjusted teenagers who happen to be the loves of my life, (my daughter just left for College in Chicago a month ago & my son is a freshman in high school) I can only hope that they end up having a sliver of the respect for me that I can tell that you have for your Mom!!!
I just have to ask: has she (Mom) had the chance to read what you have written?? If she hasn’t, you should really share it with her…..if it has me crying my eyes out, just imagine how it will touch her heart!!
The best of luck to you, Joleen! Yours is, in my humble opinion, the most inspiring comment to have been posted thus far! Tell your Mom she’s done GOOD. YOU CAN DO EVERYTHING, AND I BET YOU WILL! YOU GO, GIRL!!!
September 27th, 2007 at 8:35 pm
I agree with “Single Mom” who wrote on Sept 10th about the satatement “Every parent is a single parent.” I have heard similar comments from other mothers who have husbands. My son’s best friend’s mom always declares that she functions as a single mom since her husband leaves very early every morning and comes back late at night during the weekdays and she needs to juggle all the housekeeping and the childcare activities. This tells me that she has NO IDEA what it really is like to be a single mom. At least there is dual income in this particualr situation. Or if the wife is a stay at home mum, there are no daycare and after/before school care expenses. If one parent can’t pick up the child from school due to having an illness like the stomach flu, then at least the other one can fill in. I was in a situation where I had the rotovirus and was throwing up every 10 minutes, had not been able to keep down any food for 4 days and still had to make it out of the door to drop my son off at school. I scramble to figure out what to do on the days that school releases early (1/2 days). I am highly educated and bring in a relatively good paycheck each month. Due to being the only one (I don’t have any family in living in the same state that I live) who fulfills all my son’s material needs (from a little toy car to new clothes), my bank balances are at 0 by the end of the month. In addition to the financial burden, there is of course a whole lot more involved. A single mum not only needs to take care of the cooking, bills, cleaning and childrearing but also the big things like maintenance, repairs, and the small chores such as squashing a spider that’s in the bathtub and so on. NO ONE, no matter how much he or she has researched the subject, can know exactly what it is like to be a single mum
September 28th, 2007 at 4:44 am
Can’t count how many times parents and friends have said to me, “I don’t know how you do it…going to school, working 60+ hours per week, and raising two kids on you own.” I’ve always thought, “What other choice do I have?” It’s not just a doubling of duty when you’re going it alone. The combination of a mom and dad is like having a third person around. Alone, I’m not just filling the roles of Pal and Disciplinarian, but also everything else that Mom would have been to my kids. And it’s not just twice the work because time is a limited commodity. Some things just won’t get done.
I like Hal’s reference to putting your own oxygen mask on first. While I know I need to use this for my own life, I plan on sharing it with those at work who are more wrapped up in their duties than taking time for self-care. I suppose it’s only natural that a single-parent would notice a married person’s need to slow down before they would.
Didn’t want to write a novel here….just wanted to say Thanks, Hal for a great article.
September 28th, 2007 at 8:25 pm
Thank you Hal for the very wonderful article, and to all of you who have written, your comments have reminded me that I am not alone. I have been a single mother since day one of pregnancy. And to answer Keith and Patrick, in my case the father is somewhat around but lives a few hours away. Therefore, calling on him to get help with babysitting or taking my son for an evening so that I can take a break and go to a movie, hasn’t been much of an option. What I have noticed over the years is that even some single parents don’t see the full picture. They have ex-spouses or family that can help out. I moved away from where all of my family lives a few years before my son was born. It so scarey some days to not have a babysitting option, like when my work takes longer than planned out of town and there isn’t anyone to pick him up. It reminds me of the value of family too.
On the note of dating… many have commented that they are lonely but don’t want to take the time to date away from their children. I am completely understanding of that sentiment, but I also know that when I am lonely or depressed, I am not the parent I want to be. So as difficult as it can be to force myself to go on a date and take time away from my son, I do it for the greater good in our household. It’s only when the date is really bad that I regret the night’s decision
.
I have found a trick that has been working for me. The caveat is that my son is only two and goes to bed early. First, I only plan dates later (say an hour or less before bed) or at lunch when I can limit the time away. Then I also, if I have been seeing someone for a little while, I have them come over for movies or late dinners after my son goes to sleep. That way there really isn’t interaction and I still get some me (or date time) time. It has been hard to find guys that are willing, but in my oppinion, if they can’t deal with that minor stipulation (not hanging with my son until we are serious) then I probably don’t want them around anyway.
Anyways, thanks to all who wrote… it is always good to remember you are not alone.
October 2nd, 2007 at 2:41 pm
i’ve been asked time and again if i’d go it again and each time the answer is yes i’d still be a single parent. i wasn’t happy in that relationship and my son felt it (he was 2 years old at the time). now 10 years later and i can count on both hands the number of times my ex has asked about our son. it got so bad that my son asked to have his last name changed to mine rather than keep his father’s name. my son and i are a team, we make the decisions that affect both of us together. i also don’t understand any parent who doesn’t want to spend their time with their child, i mean there isn’t anything better than that – live the dishes for tomorrow, it can wait.
enjoy the time you have with you kids soon enough they’ll be adults and on their own.
be thankful for what you have, amazing children who’ll always admire what you’ve done for them.
Jolanda
October 6th, 2007 at 1:55 am
Thank you for sharing!
October 7th, 2007 at 7:04 pm
Great article. I have been a single parent for 11 years, starting when my daughter was 5 months old. During that time, I have put all my attention into being the best ‘two’ parents I can be, since her father was not involved much with raising her. I have not dated much to speak of, by choice. I have enjoyed the last decade by taking her with me on business trips, travelling with her extensively and teaching her how to behave in many environments through example. I also planned my social activities at lunch time or while away on business trips.
I believe that focusing on her and not dating was the right thing for me/us for the first decade of her life. She has benefited from this and people comment on how her great manners and her great conversational ability. She wants me to be happy and have someone in my life, and maybe in hers too someday. I don’t think there is a cookie cutter recipe for dating when you are a single parent. Sometimes we need to take a break from dating, empty the skeletons in our closet, and just love our kids with all we have. When the time is right, Mr. Right or Miss Right Now will come along.
October 9th, 2007 at 4:07 pm
Hal, I could not have explained it better myself. I did not discover right away that taking care of myself is vital as a single parent and at first I did feel selfish . There were so many mixed feelings about it from family and friends that it was so hard for me to even give myself an inch. After taking time for myself a few times, I noticed a big difference in the way that I responded to my children and to difficult situations in general. Now, I am a big advocate for taking time to have a “moment of silence”. I am not just takling about audible noise. Mental noise can be so much louder!!!
October 9th, 2007 at 5:08 pm
Hi Hal,
Your article was right on. I found myself smiling at almost every one of your ‘revelations’ and it feels wonderful to have someone acknowledge not only the challenges but the strengths that many single parents and their children possess.
It took some time for me to realize that I didn’t have to be all things to all people (including my children) and that it was as important for me to take time for myself as it was for me to raise my children. In fact, it was probably more important. In the beginning, I started seeing a counsellor so that I had someone to talk to and when she asked me why I felt I had to be there for my children every minute of every day, my response surprised me. My answer was that I felt I needed to be there all the time because their father wasn’t (he left the country less than a year after we separated). It’s so important to take care of yourself so that you are better able to take care of your children. My children are my priority, but not to the detriment of myself because I don’t believe you can give anyone (including your children) anything you don’t already have yourself.
I have also realized that children are very capable of helping out and that it actually makes them stronger and more responsible people to have chores to do and it’s important for them to learn that in a family, everyone helps out. At 10 and 12, my children were making their own lunches for school and had responsibilities at home. I’ve noticed, now that my children are teenagers, that they tend to be far more responsible than most children their age. I was so worried about what kind of people they were going to grow up to be but they seem to be more well-rounded than many of their friends; they’ve been through some tough times and learned how to survive. We are a very strong family unit.
I find it frustrating that there is sometimes a stereotype that single parents can’t do the job as well as dual parents. I find I spend more quality time with my kids than the average busy household around us. I make a point of not enrolling them in a ton of activities so that none of us is overwhelmed. I make a point of making sure we sit down to dinner together almost every night. I make a point of spending one-on-one time with them even to the extent of taking them out of school – one at a time – for one day near the end of the school year and spending the whole day doing whatever they’d like to do.
As single parents, I find we’re much stronger and much more determined. It is definitely hard sometimes and can be incredibly overwhelming but what a tremendous achievement it is to be able to raise healthy, happy kids on your own.
Hal, all the very best of wishes to you and your wife and your family. I know that with your positive attitude everything will truly be okay.
K.
October 17th, 2007 at 8:00 am
Wow, This is my second generation of kids. My oldest daughter is married and succesful. I then had what I called two life crisis kids. Just when I thought my life could be somewhat about me, I actually realized that my life plan had changed dramatically. I feel however blessed to have these children. They bring me so much joy and also stress ,when I wonder every day how can I do this? Retire? what is that? Even though it is extemley tough, I would not trade it for anything. They are actually keeping me young. Finding a mate has been difficult, They want to get up and go without a care. I know that every thing happens for a reason and I am grateful to god for giving me a second chance and I know that I will have raised two wonderful people that be worth it all! I am so proud to call them mine.
October 18th, 2007 at 7:46 am
I really enjoyed this article as it helped put a new perspective on my seemingly forever single parenting. However, as I look back on all the skills I’ve learned as a result of it I am truely thankful for the person I’ve become. I’d just like to encourage the mothers (and fathers) out there still believing for a partner. You have become an even stronger and more valueable person from this experience and you deserve the best life has to offer you. The wisdom from your struggles has made you more desireable than most, no matter your age, occupation, money in the bank, or how you look, you are richer than most and have so much to offer the person that recognizes this. So, hang in there, keep the faith, and don’t give up hope! N
October 19th, 2007 at 3:29 pm
I am a single parent in the true sense. Having full custody and 100% of the financial responsibility for my son has been a challenge and very stressful at times. I also do not have family close by to help. Not to mention I am a nurse so my full time job is also very stressful! Finding free time to myself is difficult as you can imagine but…………I do make an effort at least twice a month to get out and socialize with friends. If I didn’t do this I’d probably be insane by now!
To all you single parents out there, hang in there and stay strong!! Not only for YOURSELF but also for your children!! You can achive anything you put your mind to. Making some time for yourself and your needs WILL make you a better parent.
I enjoyed your article Hal and my thoughts are with you and your family through this difficult time.
October 20th, 2007 at 6:49 pm
It’s great to here all the positive words. I am fairly new at the whole single parent thing and struggling day to day trying to figure out how to get it all done. The hardest thing I have found is getting it all done but still enjoying my kids at the same time.
November 1st, 2007 at 7:30 pm
Susan and Trish,
I am sure your kids know how lucky they are (even if they haven’t gotten around to telling you yet). Best of luck to you both!
It has been some time since I posted my story so I’m not sure if you will ever see this. Thank you very much for your comments. I’m so glad that it was what you needed! I had hoped that some of the single parents struggling with the weight of their decisions might benefit from a “glimpse” into a possible future. Trish, when I was reading your comment I had to laugh. It was so odd, but in my head you were speaking with my mom’s voice. You sound just like her!!
November 10th, 2007 at 10:26 pm
I’m just now getting a chance to read this article, because I’m behind on everything as usual. I loved reading this article and all the responses. They have meant so much to me. I thought I was alone. I have family nearby, but none going through single parenting. I hate to complain, so they have no idea what it’s like. No idea. I’m trying to remember to fill up the emptiness and lonliness with God. I’m just in a slump right now. I pray it goes away soon, cause stress can cause illness. And as we all know, we can’t be out of commission.
November 12th, 2007 at 7:08 pm
I can honestly say that single parenthood has been the hardest, but the most rewarding thing I’ve accomplished in my life. My ex was not an involved parent, but I always made sure that Joleen knew that she was not to blame. There were definitely times of worry and struggle, but we were a “family” and we had each other (me and my shadow). I took my role as Mother as a “life’s commitment” to do my very best for my daughter as I possibly could(as I’m sure we all do). I know I made my share of mistakes (who hasn’t?), but always did everything I knew how to empower and show my child how to do her best, take accountability for her actions, and to work through any difficulties that came her way. As hard as it is at times, I did all I could to “say what I meant, and mean what I said”. She and I were definitely a team. Even now as adults we know that we can love and count on each other whatever life throws our way. I couldn’t be any prouder of her. I have to agree with Trish, Joleen ROCKS!
I know as a single parent that it’s difficult to have adult relationships at times….you don’t fit in the single world or the married world……just somewhere in between(a strange and frustrating place to be at times). Don’t lose heart! You really do have alot to bring to a relationship, and anyone that’s worth being with will see it and appreciate it.
Joleen and I are very blessed! After quite a few years of waiting God brought us the perfect person to be husband/&/father. He and Joleen couldn’t love each other more. He appreciates and loves both of us for exactly who we are, and who could ask for more than that? Heather