Ask Hal - How My Ex Treats Our Child
Dear Hal,
My daughter’s father does not treat her like he should sometimes and she does not like to talk to him or go and see him. Examples of this: he called her a b—h once when he was mad and thought she had already hung the phone up.
He is also very greedy with his money and will not help her out besides the child support he sends. For her birthday he told her he was only spending $50 on her, but he bought his girlfriend a $400 camera. He is a selfish person who only thinks of himself and my daughter has him all figured out. (She calls him a man-whore also because he cannot be true to one person.)
I have had friends to say my daughter is a very angry person and it is because of her dad’s treatment of her. She seems to take it out on me her mother. 90% of the time what comes out of her mouth is negative and angry. And it is over silly things like her not liking any shampoo or conditioner we have in the shower and there are several different kinds. Her tone of voice is what says it all—- whining and angry…..
Honestly I cannot stand to be around her very much because of all this. Sunday mornings is the only time we get ready at the same time and I am shaking by the time we are ready to go. My daughter cannot even talk without raising her voice and I find I have to talk louder and louder. What are your thoughts on this situation?
What you’ve described is a very common, and very aggravating, situation for single parents, particularly those with primary custody. You work so hard to build a strong relationship with your child, realizing the profound influence that relationship can have. Yet your child, in this case, your daughter, has another profoundly influential relationship, one you cannot control.
Your problem, as you’ve stated it here, is not with your daughter. While there are relationship issues with her you can address (see below), it is dangerous to focus more on her childish acting out than her father’s. His treatment of her, as you’ve described, is unacceptable and deplorable.
That she’s taking it out on you is very common, and here’s why: you’re an easy target. She spends more time with you, and you are the most readily available relationship to try and work out all her anger and anxiety. That is unavoidably part of the burden of being the custodial parent.
One of the worst casualties of parents splitting up is the one-to-one communication between them. The child, all too often, gets triangled in between the two. Sometimes this seems as innocent as “can you take this message to your mom;” sometimes it is the more obviously damaging name-calls and loyalty-requests.
Becoming aware of how you have all become involved in a triangled relationship is the first step out of it. You are not powerless in your situation, but your power is misdirected whenever you try to change your daughter’s behavior. What is most effective is concentrating only on your part, on what you can do differently.
Here’s what you CAN do:
Address your co-parent directly about your dislike of his behavior Don’t tell him what to do, just tell him you don’t like what he’s doing and you just wanted him to know that. I know this is difficult because you probably never even talk to him any more. That time is no more. Resolve to never again communicate in any way to him through her.
Address your daughter directly about how you are willing to be treated. Again, this is not telling her what or what not to do, this is simply letting her know of your own level of self-respect. One thing I stress is whenever you make this sort of declaration, don’t linger around to get your child’s response. This is not about getting a changed response out of her, this is creating a different level of self-respect within you.
Apologize to both your daughter and your ex for whatever ways you have participated in the triangle. You may have talked badly about her dad, you may have sent messages through her, you may have simply stopped talking to him, thereby forcing the go between. Look at yourself very closely and own up to all the ways you have helped create the situation. I know this is incredibly difficult, especially when you believe your “sins” here are much less damaging than his or even your daughter’s.
But creating new patterns of relationship always involves taking our gaze (and blame) off others and focusing on ourselves. By learning to own up to our parts of the pattern, and then learning to exhibit new levels of self-respect, we necessarily change the way people relate with us.
It is difficult, but it is possible. Involving a relationship coach or therapist would help tremendously.
(3 votes, average: 4.67 out of 5)
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September 11th, 2007 at 9:48 am
Let’s face it; sometimes our exes can just be big ol’ jerks! (men and women) \ I experience what I call “detox” each time my daughter comes home after time with her dad. He was always miserable and treated us badly, the best thing I could have done was leave and provide her with a safe, healthy environment in which to grow. He obviously does not see it that way - tells her that I am a liar, and that I choose to be with others over her. I have asked him to stop manipulating her, and that it is hurting her to be put in the middle.
One day when he dropped her off, she said, “I don’t know if I should trust you or dad.” It took incredible self-control, but I replied, “Honey, you should be able to trust both of us.” And he overheard that, which seems to have sunk in. It is really something you have to take a day at a time - just keep putting one foot in front of the other.
I pray ALOT and thank the Lord for getting us this far. I know His strength is sufficient for the rest of our journey.
October 18th, 2007 at 5:32 pm
Who’s to say the kid is not a spoiled Princess? And who is to say the girlfriend didn’t buy the father a car on his birthday? I am a woman on the other end of all this nonsense and I have to tell you that children from split families can sometimes be “greedy and manipulating” and work the situation …especially when we are talking about an older teen!