Ask Hal - A Battle with a Five-Year-Old
Dear Hal,
My 5 yr old son has been mouthy and he won’t listen. His teacher is having the same problem. If we ground him to his room, he peels the paint on the sheetrock off the walls. We don’t know what else we can do.
It sounds like you’ve got a battle going on. You and his teacher are bound and determined to change his behavior, and he is bound and determined to resist, or even escalate.
Here’s something to remember whenever we place ourselves in this battle dance: our actions are not helping to stop the battle, they are helping to further it. Whenever our children begin to escalate their behavior, it is because they believe we are escalating ours–and now it’s about who’s going to win.
The way out of the battle is always to give up on winning. You start off by saying you’ve got a mouthy 5-year-old. With all due respect, welcome to the club. That’s part of what 5-year-olds do. It is an attempt to exercise their limited power, and they’re very curious to see your response.
So how would you like to respond? I know you can tell me very plainly how you would like him to respond, but ask yourself how you would like to respond, regardless of his response.
Do you want to be engaged in a battle with him, or do you want to rise above that by calmly informing him of (and then enforcing with calm resolve) the severe consequences of his choices?
Do you want his immature behavior to get you angry at him, or do you want to rise above that with your maturity, calming yourself down and letting him know that there’s nothing he can do to change your feelings for and toward him? You want him to behave better and talk nicer to you, of course, but you think he’s a great kid regardless of his choices and all the consequences those choices incur.
(5 votes, average: 4.2 out of 5)
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September 25th, 2007 at 9:03 pm
I have been going through the same problem with my 7 year old for the last couple of weeks. I finally stopped battling with her because it just kept getting worse and worse and just too exhausting. I figured that she may just want some attention, so this weekend that’s what we did. We did some scrapbooking, karaoke and crazy dancing etc. Monday was wonderful I didn’t have to argue about doing homework. She said “If I do my homework then can we play badmitten outside?” I said sure and that’s what we did. We laughed, got a little excercise, and just had fun. I think that helped both of us ease up a little and feel better. And I didn’t have to yell or repeat myself all night. It’s like her hearing all of a sudden improved overnight. Today was just as good. She read to me for her homework (I didn’t even have to ask twice) and then we played a board game. Kids want your attention and they will get it in a good way or a bad way. It’s just a lot nicer when it is good attention (for the both of you).
October 18th, 2007 at 8:56 am
I am having a similar situation with my five year old. I’ve tried to compromise with him when he gets going, but nothing seems to work. I’m not bribing him, but we try to find even ground and go from there. He does get physical sometimes, poking me, punching me in the back of the head when I pick him up to take him to his room, screaming at me, pulling my clothes when I set him on his bed…I could go on and on. I’m at a complete loss. I do pay attention to him, but not when he behaves in an unacceptable way. We go outside and play soccer, we make cookies, he helps me cook dinner and we read together. Now, mind you, I have another child who is younger and needs my attention, too. When I am not paying any attention to my son (well, I am paying attention, just not like he wants me to) he becomes irritated and bossy. He also interupts my husband and I as soon as we start talking. What am I not doing? Or what am I doing too much of?